I am of the mindset that in order to feel better about your circumstances, you have to persistently force yourself to see the bright side; to recognize that this is just a mid-point along the way to something better. This isn't a point of view I've always held, rather it was instilled in me by my three-year stint marching with The Cadets Drum and Bugle Corps.
The director, George Hopkins (no relation...maybe), is infamous for holding the entire corps hostage for his "Meetings with Hop," wherein he waxes philosophical about life, love, and the pursuit of happiness. He asks us to examine our lives in ways we may not have considered, and introduces us to ideas involving popular fish markets, overcoming adversity, and showing up to the fight.
When you're in these meetings, the only thing you want to do is go to bed. Your body is so exhausted from 14 hours of rehearsal every day that all you care about is a hot shower, your air mattress, your pillow, and getting as much sleep as you can before you're unceremoniously startled awake to stumble through an early-morning Stretch and Run. It is only later, after the season is over and you're back to "real life," that you recognize the value of these meetings.
One of the most valuable lessons I learned from these meetings was to "Choose Your Attitude." Anyone who's marched with The Cadets has heard this phrase, which during the season is often thrown about sarcastically to help allay the more dire circumstances so you can push through to the end of the rehearsal block. Afterwards, when you're back in the real world, you realize how vital that choice can be.
This lesson has been particularly important for me over the last five years, since I was diagnosed with AIDS. I'd known I was HIV+ since I lived in Atlanta in '05, but in October of 2007, my 2.5 years of ignoring it and hoping it would go away landed me in the hospital with 66 T-cells.
At first, I was swept up in what felt like an emotional tornado: my insurance dropped my coverage, it took a month to get a meeting to get on ADAP/Ryan White, and there was an asinine attempt to march winter guard, again, that left me physically broken and personally defeated. But, I had to keep some sort of positive mindset, and so I had to choose my attitude.
What they don't tell you is that, in order to really choose your attitude, you have to first accept your circumstances and, yes, even your limitations.
I don't mean to say that you have to wallow in self-pity and sorrow, but you do have to be realistic. Part of being realistic meant that I had to face the fact that I couldn't drink as much as I had been, I had to pay attention to my body's messages, and perhaps the most heart breaking part for me was the realization that I very likely won't be able to perform, again.
I have to be careful how much I push myself, now, and when my body says, "Stop," I have to listen to it, where before I could tell it to shut the hell up. I have to monitor every cold to make sure it doesn't turn into something worse, and most certainly, I have to ensure that I never, under any circumstances, miss a dose of my meds.
I am getting better. Things are not at their worst. Circumstances could always be worse, and I have to admit that I have it pretty good. Every day, I am glad that I get to fight this fight, and when I hear from friends I haven't seen in years, it reminds me of how wonderful my life and my friends really are, particularly those friends I made in The Cadets.
This morning, I'm okay.
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