We all have a family member or friend who simply loathes confrontation; they loathe it to the point that they will make every effort to avoid it, even if that means saying and doing things that are clearly designed to send a message, but do not rise to the occasion of actually addressing the issue at hand.
This can take several forms:
1.) The Continual Denial
This method of passive-aggression is characterized by a refusal to admit that there is a problem, at all, despite accompanying behaviors up to and including (a.) frequent checking of watches/cell phones in social situations; (b.) refusal to partake in conversation, despite being directly in the middle of all conversing parties; (c.) frequent eye rolling and deep sighing following statements by specific party members; (d.) exhibiting clear displeasure with circumstances, situations, or conversations.
When the passive-aggressor engages in this behavior, they will deny at all costs that anything is, in fact, wrong with them or the situation. Rather than speak up and address a problem, they are content to brood over the problem, allowing it to slowly come to a boil inside of them until they are out of earshot and in the company of someone in whom they can confide.
A favorite of mine involves a party and room temperature:
Good friends of mine were hosting a house party at their apartment, and had invited all of our coworkers and their significant others and friends to attend. A male coworker of mine brought his girlfriend, to whom we all referred as the "frigid bitch," primarily because, in addition to her icy demeanor, she was constantly complaining about the room being too cold.
Throughout the evening, rather than simply ask the hosts to turn up the thermostat to a comfortable level, she would behave in ways that clearly indicated her pending hypothermia - shivering, crossing her arms and rubbing them for warmth, putting on her jacket, and even borrowing her boyfriend's leather coat.
What made this behavior infuriating is that several people, including the three hosts, had asked her if she was cold. Each time she was questioned, she responded that she was fine, despite clearly indicating that she was not. This song and dance was repeated throughout the evening, and rather than simply admit that she was cold and have someone fix the problem, the frigid bitch insisted upon freezing and acting like an asshole. One of the hosts, weary of her passive-aggressive behavior, finally decided he had dealt with her long enough and went to go adjust the thermostat...downward.
You see, rather than deal with her issue with the temperature like an adult and achieve a favorable result, her behavior engendered in both her hosts and peers a feeling of not simple derision, but outright animosity. Instead of attempting to cater to her whims for a warmer climate, the host, fed up with her bitchery, went out of his way to make her even less comfortable, and frankly, I don't blame him. By that point in the evening, I wanted to throw her in an ice bath, if only to lighten the mood a bit.
This type of behavior rarely results in a situation being improved, and more often helps to foment the formation of an angry mob. The people around her did not appreciate her avoidance; the hosts did not appreciate her avoidance; her boyfriend was humiliated by her avoidance (and soon left her to freeze on her own); and she, still unwilling to just fucking admit she was cold, ended up turning several people against her, and wound up alone, in the end.
2.) The Casual Departure
Another form of passive-aggressive behavior involves the exiting of rooms. When faced with a situation or circumstance that is unsatisfactory for the passive-aggressor, instead of voicing their disapproval or dissent, they will simply leave the room, altogether. Often accompanied by feigned stoicism and icy silence, the passive-aggressor's absence will often go unnoticed until such time as someone attempts to ask their opinion, only to find that they have long since left their presence.
A famous example of this involves the cast of The Goonies and their recording of the commentary track for the DVD release of the film.
During the recording session, Sean Astin attempts to reveal to the world for the first time his undying love for Cyndi Lauper. He fails, however, to voice his true feelings as the rest of the cast continues to forge ahead with the commentary, discussing scenes, shots, and experiences during the filming of the movie. Despite several attempts to inject his monologue into the discussion, all of which get trampled upon by the rest of the cast, Sean never gets to reveal his forbidden love. Finding his efforts futile, he gets up ostensibly to use the restroom, exits the room, and never returns to the sound booth. It is not until roughly half-an-hour later that someone notices that he has failed to return, and suggests it is because he didn't get to speak. Unmoved by his show of passive-aggression, the cast continues on as if he was never there.
The problem with this form of passive-aggression is that no one feels sorry for you after you're gone; or, if they do, that concern is overshadowed by their confusion as to why you left in the first place. Nothing gets accomplished, no wrongs get righted, and no slights redressed - you are simply left to stew in your own anger, while everyone else continues to have a good time without you.
In the end, the commentary turned out better for his absence, primarily because he wasn't just nattering on about some inanity about which no one cared.
3.) The Backdoor Aside
Perhaps the most shit stirring form of passive-aggression, The Backdoor Aside involves the telling of dissatisfaction, unhappiness, or distaste to another person closely associated with the intended target in the hopes that said confidante will address the problem for you with your target, without you having to get directly involved.
This bullshit drives me up the fucking wall.
Several coworkers of mine have engaged in this behavior, not just about me, but to me about other people.
An example of this involved a female coworker of mine who had a problem with another employee and, rather than deal with the situation with him face to face like an adult, confided her issues with him to me with the clear intention that I go and resolve the issue for her. Once I had done her bidding, the male coworker confronted her about the issue, she denied having the problem, and he went back to doing what annoyed her in the first place. Afterward, she came up to me and insisted that she was humiliated that I had told him to mind his behavior around her, and now the problem was worse than ever.
The problem? She didn't like it when he attended to her neglected tables by refilling their drinks.
Is this bitch for fucking real???
So, there are several reasons why this behavior drives me up the fucking wall:
(a.) I get put in the middle of it, and there's no reason for me to be there;
(b.) The male coworker thinks that I was making shit up because she denied having an issue with his behavior, and therefore trusts me less as a peer and friend;
(c.) She fails to get the result she desired because of her refusal to admit that his behavior annoyed her;
(d.) The male coworker increased the frequency of this behavior to "show me" that there was never a problem at all, further vexing the female coworker.
This is, perhaps, the least effective way to deal with a problem. I'm sorry that you are too immature to handle your own problems, but frankly, that shit's got to go! Once again, passive-aggressive behavior ends up biting you in the ass and engendered feelings of dislike toward you...so, buck the fuck up, and handle your own fucking problems.
4.) The Shrinking Violet
The Shrinking Violet form of passive-aggression involves an attempt to address an issue, but, when faced with the slightest amount of confrontation, turning in on oneself and allowing the other party to trample all over you. This type of behavior often involves an authority figure of some sort, and generally results in nothing getting accomplished.
A classic example of this involves an ex of mine who, when faced with any type of confrontation, gets so flustered and out of sorts that he is unable to function at all. Afterwards, he feels completely dissatisfied with the outcome, dwells on his inability to resolve the problem, and becomes determined to bitterly endure his fate, never again bringing up the subject to attempt for a better result.
My first encounter with this involved the U.S. Postal Service. When I first moved in with my then-partner, the postman refused to deliver mail to our mailbox because a neighbor was legally parked along the curb in front of where the mailbox was situated. Instead of delivering the mail, the postal employee took the extra time to craft a bitchy letter informing us that he would refuse to provide us with mail services if we insisted upon parking the vehicle in that spot. Never mind the fact that the van in question was not ours, nor that the neighbors had parked it in a legally open spot - the postal worker was simply too lazy to get out of his truck, take the ten to twenty steps required to deposit the post into the box, and reenter the vehicle.
My partner attempted to respond by leaving a response to the effect that the vehicle was not ours, and would he please not penalize us for the neighbors' lack of consideration for his time. This response was met with outright denial, and service continued to be withheld, and notes continued to be left in place of our mail.
Which is where I had to step in...by calling the U.S. Postal Service costumer relations hotline and reporting the worker to them. Within 24 hours, I received a call from the local Postmaster, who attempted to haltingly explain that the workers had a schedule to keep, and that anytime they had to go out of their way to deliver the mail, they received overtime.
I politely informed him that this, unfortunately, was not my problem. Come rain, snow, sleet, or hail, the postman is required, by law, to deliver our mail, unless he is presented with a physical threat to his safety, at which time we must be notified that our service will be interrupted until the problem is addressed. If the postal worker was unable to fulfill this requirement of his job, perhaps, I suggested, he should find another line of work.
After stammering a few apologies, the Postmaster promised to address the issue with his employee, and by the next week, we had a new driver, and uninterrupted deliver of our mail.
My ex's avoidance goes beyond simple issues of mail delivery, and extends to other areas of his life - any type of customer service; restaurant service; medical treatment - every situation in which he should assert himself to ensure a positive net result for all parties involved, his hatred of confrontation ends up stymieing his ability to come out on top. He's gotten better, mind you, but it's still an uphill battle.
(Conclusion)
So, the basic message behind this blog post is the following:
Stop being fucking passive-aggressive. If you want to be successful, learn how to deal with confrontation in a health and, most importantly, adult manner so that you can achieve the results and outcomes you desire. And, if you attempt to be passive-aggressive with me, expect me to not give a fuck about what you want, because if you're not enough of an adult to confront me directly, keep your fucking mouth shut and cut the shit.
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